How Long Covid turned me into a ‘sociopath' (and why it’s not a bad thing).
It’s a long one this week…
The word sociopath isn’t really used anymore - the clinical label is ‘antisocial personality disorder’ (ASPD). And recently I started wondering if I was developing some ‘sociopathic/ASPD’ traits: lack of guilt, empathy, or remorse.
Whether it’s navigating illness or a season of deep change, identity level shifts occur that the mind tries to make sense of.
Here’s how Long Covid contributed to feeling a sense of cool detachment that felt ‘sociopathic’ to me, why it’s not a bad thing, and what I learned from it.
First, here’s hoe long Covid took me from continuous anxiety to a sense of calm void.
There were two reasons.
The anxious state I'd normalised
The Long Covid crashes (Post-Exertional Malaise) made it very clear when I was in an anxious state (worrying about everything and everyone, ignoring my boundaries, feeling the weight of the world i.e. amplified guilt, shame, and anxiety) and when I wasn't. Eventually, I had a sense that my inflamed amygdala, sensitised by residual virus proteins in my body, was getting jammed for stretches of time and the anxious state had become normal. So when it started to drop as I began recovering more grounded states, the calm, void-like matter-of-factness of everything felt strange.
2. (Mis)Labelling the recovered normal state as ‘sociopathic’
Having learned a thing or two about ‘sociopathic’ psychology over the years for various reasons (including writing a Wise Wednesdays on how to deal with ‘dark triad personalities’ for a client), my mind started labelling this new state of coolness as ‘sociopathic’. Life seemed much calmer and easier to deal with, and I cared less about things especially after two weeks of silent meditation retreat which I wrote about here.
The lightbulb: one person’s ‘sociopath’ is another person’s ‘leader’?...
Eventually, I realised this wasn’t necessarily a problem and this ‘coolness’ was a reasonable adjustment to life post-COVID. Most of it was probably recovery of a healthy nervous system my mind mislabelled as ‘sociopathic’.
But the experience did have me wondering: Does a ‘sociopathic’ calm, unreactive, equanimous coolness that ‘doesn’t care’ give an advantage in modern work to so called ‘sociopaths’? And if so, should more of us learn from them, rather than judge them, without falling into cruelty? It’s an idea explored in books like “The Wisdom of Psychopaths” by Kevin Dutton.
A small, often cited study suggests that 1 in 5 organisational leaders would qualify as ‘sociopathic’, compared with 1 in 20 in the general population. The widespread levels of burnout, compassion fatigue, and involuntary people-pleasing point to an imbalance in society that creates suffering for the majority.
For a long time, my perspective has been that to advance in modern work culture pressures us either to develop sociopathic traits of cold detachment or to become compliant victims of sociopathy. But are those the only two options? I’d like to think there’s a third.
The Middle Way: A Compassionate Semi-Sociopath?
Perhaps we can develop "Compassionate Semi-Sociopath" traits: a kind of overcorrection toward ruthless boundaries, zero tolerance for manipulation, plus "counter-terrorist" measures to neutralise any sociopathic attack.
How? By starting with awareness of power dynamics and how they create fear, anxiety, and compliance.
Beware DARVO: how power is tilted and blame shifted. And three counter-moves.
DARVO is one of the most well known anti-accountability moves often associated with sociopathic traits. It’s why you might raise a fair issue with someone, only to leave feeling confused and guilty yourself. You ask for accountability and the other person Denies, Attacks, and Reverses Victim and Offender roles (DARVO). You end up as the offender, having brought a legitimate grievance against someone who harmfully impacted you or your work, or outright sabotaged you or a project.
There’s a lot of information on how to deal with this and conversational countermeasures. But as I mentioned in Wise Wednesdays years ago, 1) maintaining presence is the starting and most important protection. If you know it's happening, you're already safer. This is your cultivating coolness, detachment, and non-reactive equanimity, which sets up the next step.
2) Maintaining the narrative frame is the next protection. Don't get into arguing about how you're not the victim — just stick with the original grievance and a clear request, while indicating you understand they might be upset.
3) Then let yourself assume the possibility that you're right and they're wrong, especially if you're used to assuming the opposite.
Don’t DARVO yourself: beware the inner-sociopath
Here's a kicker. While it may help to develop coolness and detachment, living and working in a dysfunctional, ‘sociopathic society’ as some scholars call it, means we've internalised the sociopathic voice and mistreat ourselves. Every time you get angry or impatient at yourself for not doing more things faster or better, while your body is legitimately asking for a break or more understanding and less pressure, you're DARVOing yourself. That inner critic, the harsh voice in your head, is your inner-sociopath. And that is the source of much life-draining guilt, doubt, and confusion about what you want.
Discerning the inner-sociopath voice from the voice of wisdom
“How do I know the difference between the harsh, sociopathic, inner-critic and the voice of wisdom?" you ask.
Here's a simple principle: imagine the voice speaking to your best friend or an innocent child. You'd be pretty quick to tell whether someone is trying to help them or abuse them. So imagine yourself as that best friend or child.
Presence, Power, Possibility
While Long Covid created havoc with my threat-detection and meaning-making systems, recovery led to re-acclimatising to being less anxious and more present.
Presence — know what's happening.
Power — hold your meaning frame.
Possibility — allow for the fact that you may well be "right", that you’re not alone, and that others will support you.
In compassionate coolness,
Amina
P.S. Thinking of exiting or reorienting a work or life trajectory that no longer works for you and fed up with excessive self-doubt? Reach out for an exploratory (and re-empowering) coaching conversation.
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