My coach once gave a challenge to practise saying: I’m a gracious ‘no’. It was inspired by the words of Warren Buffett: The difference between successful people and really successful people is that they say ‘no’ to almost everything.
In the past few years, awareness of boundaries and the power of saying ‘no’ appears to have grown. No to extra working hours, another project, or coming into the office…
But what do you do about more subtle boundary breaches that are hard to put into words? How do you handle the unspoken power dynamics in your relationships?
Perhaps you’re sitting at the dinner table with relatives or friends and a subtle anger surfaces after a joke.
Perhaps you’re in a work meeting and a colleague starts talking about your project, leaving you feeling uneasy.
Perhaps scrolling through entertaining social media has you feeling inexplicably irritable or sad.
But you’re unsure why.
Micro-boundary breaches
In January 2021, I started feeling resentful and irritable about my coaching work. It was confusing at first because I loved the work. But then I realised I was working with 19 clients including a group and that was too much for me at the time. Even though it was scary, I restricted the number of people I work with to 10 and reduced my group work. From there, my coaching and entrepreneurial passion was revived.
Micro-boundary breaches are small but significant impacts on your energy and sense of agency. They occur daily and can accumulate over time, resulting in learned helplessness. Things can look great on the outside (like The Success Trap). But they can leave a long-lasting impact and result in an eventual rupture or eruption that’s truly preventable.
The good news? Any of these negative impacts can be transformed into portals to clarify a situation and strengthen relationships.
It takes one courageous act: choice.
Choose time to choose
Most people don’t carve out time to sit and think about their feelings and needs, let alone understand power dynamics or envision new possibilities beyond them. It takes courage to explore the fearful assumptions that stop us from making tough choices and taking action.
But you can always start now.
What are you tolerating in your relationships?
What are you afraid will happen if you change the pattern?
What is the cost of continuing down the same path?
Perhaps it’s time to figure out what you’re feeling and needing, and create space in your diary to articulate what you actually want and how to communicate it. Or perhaps you already know and it’s time to send that email or have that difficult conversation.
There’s no such thing as time management, boundary management, or relationship management. It’s choice management.
Whatever it is, your freedom and fulfilment lie in making a conscious choice.
Have a great week,
Amina
p.s. Join me for the next Leaders Circle: Boundaries Revisited: Stay Sane, Strengthen Relationships, Lead with Integrity. You can find out more and register though Zoom here >>
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